Author: Nikki In a Nutshell

Good day! My name is Yolande Nicole. I’d like to begin by saying I don’t want/expect anything from you. Nor will I be asking/suggesting anything of you. Not now, not ever. I’m writing this letter because you were in a dream I had last night. I don’t remember anything about the dream except hearing your voice ( & we were in the same space ). I usually don’t have dreams, let alone any memories of them due to a medicine I take to help me fall asleep & stay asleep throughout the night thus allowing me to rise early & well rested. I don’t know what was said. I know your adult voice having heard it on YouTube. I’ll be 57 years old in March 2020. I have four sons/no daughters, 39 -36 -25 -23. They are/have been good boys so far! Congratulations on the birth of your children & grandchildren! I have 3. I’ve never been to see you nor the guys in person. When the three part series aired in 2017 I was going through some major life stuff & it took me every bit of the time between then & now to sort things out, figure out who I was, cut a few people loose & take good care of myself. So I didn’t get to see it. Fast forward, after it had been on my mind everyday for close to two months … I finally got to see it, the entire month of October! I watched it over & over & over again. Thank you. For all that you went through. Thank you for all that you continue to go through. I fully know that I don’t know you, at all & more than likely we will never meet. Forgive me please if I am out of line but you often times appear sad. over it. stuck. unfulfilled. Mr. Tresvant, please accept my sincere apology if you feel that I am out of line. I made the decision to write to you because when my spirit was low I would have greatly benefitted had someone recognized what I was/radiating, & was able/wanting to help. I remember you lost your mother in death. I’m sorry. I don’t remember about your father. I can only imagine how you must continue to deal/live with it. Both my parents are living but I don’t have a relationship with either of them. They haven’t been together since I was 7. I had to straighten out their messes & mine & am well on my way to being who I was supposed to be before they (my own parents) got their hands on me. It was ‘thee’ most worthwhile work I’ve ever done. You said something during an interview that prompted this letter … that you were trying to be what your parents raised you to be. & I thought, wow. This world has changed, the spirit of the world has changed, & certainly, you have changed with the different experiences/phases of your life. I once read somewhere that ‘what you once needed to help you “survive” won’t help you to “thrive”, you’ll need something different’. I was running around in circles … until I figured this out. Thank you, Mr. Tresvant for all you continue to do! May you find true happiness during the rest of your life!

Continue reading “A Private letter from me to Mr. Ralph Tresvant.”

Once again you’ve acted mightily in my behalf. May I without fail display gratitude toward you & look for ways to imitate your kind compassion toward me, toward others. Thank you. Please, help me live up to your name!

There are many individuals running around in this world ‘mad at you’ about things ‘they’ve done’ to you. Read that again. Many of these same individuals cannot make simple decisions about their own everyday lives YET are quick to tell others what & how they ought to do. The sad thing is that always & without question ‘orders’ are carried out. I’m talking about 50 60 70 80 year olds. Eyes wide open. Ain’t nobody there. When ‘another’ takes up issue with you because you confidently refuse to be manipulated by them, that is their problem … & none of your business. They don’t wanna be saved.

I hardly remember anything (physically) about my very early years. What I do remember are my emotions/feelings very well. There was a daughter born to my bio mother a year a month and a day after I was born of whom my mother has been proudly telling me has been suspected to belong to someone other than my bio dad. She called this man by his first and last name. Bio mom accused my paternal grandmother of pointing this betrayal out upon looking at said child after her birth. Now, I don’t know how true any of this is. I do know that bio mom never expected that I might ever say anything to anyone about it. Not to bio dad. Not to grandmother. Not to half sibling. Not to the first and last named man. My grandmother has sinced passed away, I wasn’t ever going to question her (in addition, I couldn’t care less) and I’ve not brought it to the accused man’s attention, I know him. I did recently tell my bio dad and he didn’t seem to care. #REDFLAG This alleged half sibling and I have never been close. Thanks to bio mom. Each time I looked at, talked to, heard of, and/or thought of these 5 people over the dacades the load of having heard it got heavier and heavier & I wasn’t taking another step with it. It had to go. This was bio mom’s secret yet she managed to weigh me down with it for many decades. I am a much wiser individual and much more careful about who I let in/and what I keep inside. She does look like him … & he, her.

It’s about mid-December 2017. Another year has come & gone. Both 2016 & 2017 were the real deal. I needed everything I got heard saw felt. Long story short if we haven’t been in regular communication during this time you can hang it up. Nikki as you thought you knew her is no longer. Shes gone. Not all waters ought be tested. Stop where you stand.

When I was 8/9 years old I was taken out of public school and sent to catholic school. I don’t know why. At public school (Carver) I went school with all the kids in my neighborhood/apartment complex (Bluemeyer). All black except for two boys with last name Lahue. The black boys were mean/abusive to the two boys daily. They hung in there though. It was awful. They too lived in the complex but on the other side. I can’t say how they were treated outside of school. There was one girl that I considered my friend at Carver. Her name was Rosalind. She too lived in Bluemeyer. My first year at Xavier (catholic school) I met many new people. Dwanita was my newest/closest friend at Xavier. We spent a lot of time together on the phone and outside of school. We’d borrow one another’s shoes, barrettes, jewelry etc. But it was Dwanita that brought up in me once again the uncomfortable feelings of ‘normal’ I experienced at home. I’m not sure if we’d been friends for one school year or two but shortly thereafter Rosalind was enrolled at Xavier. The two new of one another through me but hadn’t met. Perhaps over the phone. I can’t say for sure. I thought this was great! However … not long after the school year started they were the best of friends and wanted nothing to do with me. I was so confused. It was like they were in a secret club or something and  I was not imagining things. I was devastated. To this day I don’t know how/why this happened but of course I felt as if I’d done something/it was my fault. That was almost 50 years ago. FIFTY. The first (or second) year of DeeDee’s and my friendship while visiting her at her house she introduced me to a new family w/kids that had moved onto her street. Kim and Michael. Kim and I never developed a friendship. Michael and I did some 30 some odd years later. He became/remained quite dear to me. Him his son and his mother. Michael fell asleep in death on February 02, 2019. At his memorial service I was reminded again by Dwanita exactly how she felt about me this time as an adult and also as a human … who’d lost a loved one … that we both knew. I’m sure she had/has her reasons after all this time. I have closure.