The Buck Stops Here

I will start by saying YOU will certainly be feeling some kinda way by the time this is over. Brace yourself. Several weeks ago, I had to confront my bio father with some quite disturbing allegations that my bio mother dumped in my lap/poured into my precious soul over the decades & continued to stir up in my mind until at age 53 when I’d learned who/what she really was/is and what had been happening since the day she realized I was developing in her womb. Out of his own mouth he seemed proud to admit to me that he knew something was wrong with her right away. But you married her and eventually left me with her and basically never looked back. It has taken a number of world shattering events over five decades for me to come to some forever life altering decisions. Errbody mad. Personality disorders are a very real thing. Some people hunt other people. Some people are drawn to disfunction because it is normal for them. Generation after generation. The bullies stick together even sharing victims while victims repeatedly second guess their intuition over and over again often for a lifetime. Some giving in to suicide unable to cope. I began experiencing the devastating effects of emotional neglect at a very early age. Untangling the mess left behind by these individuals has been/is a decision. Either do it or die, absolutely. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever decided to do. You will do it alone. You will come to know that these people are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Once you see them you cannot unsee them. Be brave. You’re gonna need to be.



JADED. This, I never recall having ever been called, until on this day. By, my son. He said I was Jaded no less than three times in a single conversation. What I can not do is control how I am viewed by another/others. What I can do is take an honest look inward to see if there is any bit of truth to his claim., if their credibility is respected, defines jaded as -adjective – 1.dulled or satiated by overindulgence 2.worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse 3.dissipated   -noun- 1.a worn-out, broken-down, worthless, or vicious horse 2.a disreputable or ill-tempered woman   What I will agree with is that I am a bit weary (I will NOT be apologizing for that/NOR offering ANYONE explanation regarding). defines disreputable as 1.having a bad reputation 2.discreditable; dishonorable 3.shabby or shoddy (intentionally rude or inconsiderate); of poor quality or condition. Ill-tempered is defined as having a bad or irritable disposition. With all of this being said, he no doubt sees these very traits … though not mine.

Long Gone

By the time you stumble upon this correspondence, THE ONE you are looking for will be long gone. Remnants of her, as you may recollect, are not justifiable. No trace of her exists anywhere in space or time. Too little, too late best sum up any effort/your predicament in this regard. Consider ‘the mission’ impossible. You WILL die tryin’ …

Yet another kink in my life has presented itself only to be straightened right out! I woke up a couple of days ago with my mind fixed firmly on a particular mission. Unlike anything I’d ‘ever’ done before. Honorable mention to those birds outside my bedroom window that have so beautifully just begun to do their thing this early morning! So my journey began. I knew that there would possibly be 2 roadblocks perhaps as many as 3 that were about get dealt with in regard to this mission! They each rolled over and gave in to the process without a hint of resistance. Full steam ahead then! ‘I’ won’t be standing in my own way … names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Just In the Nick of Time

A few hours short of three days ago my youngest of four sons reached the twenty-first anniversary of his birth. Needless to say its been twenty-one years of nonstop E-VER-Y- THING as far as he has been concerned! He has singlehandedly made me the ballerina I’d always wanted to be by keeping me on my toes. My many deep breaths and long slow exhales and all that he brought in between in the long run gave me a certain type of strength I would need but never knew existed until today. Could he have known how much he was helping me? Naaah!  He wore me out but it was worth every bit of it. Even if I could I wouldn’t change a single thing … except maybe him being younger a little longer …

Sooooo …

Almost always I have plenty going on inside my head and pretty much nearby! For the most part, this has proved more distracting than productive. Been lots of places and have done some exciting things. But only in my mind. Starting in thought taking two three four five steps without ever seeing my own personal interests through.  I’ve single-handedly erased my life (sort of like ‘the picture’ in Back to the Future). However! I have managed to successfully discover quite accidentally just how the ‘best’ of my life will begin. That’s right, begin! With precise purpose! Sooooo …

You Have No Idea

People. They come and they go. In some way or another. Passing through or to settle in. Welcomed or NOT. Never have I ever been so puzzled by individuals who clearly want nothing to do with you unless it benefits them personally. Until snatched in my collar and quickly drug nose to nose with the one who would introduce this whole other world to me. I was not aware of its definite existence. Yet Id lived there my entire life. Therewith the people. Early on I knew I didn’t belong. The disheartening feedback was unmistakably constant throughout all my years. I’d lost faith in and did not feel secure with ‘grown people’ growing up. As to never forget it.  As far back as three years old. In many childhood photos, my eyes and or facial expressions remind me. Grown people taking sides. Grown people talking about other grown people to other grown people on the phone. Grown people spelling out words letter by letter in an attempt to talk over my head often enough for me to commit these letters to memory while never ‘spelling’ anything with more than four or five letters. So much for big words. Later I’d put two and two together. These are NOT the brightest ‘people’. They are known for sending mixed signals.  How can you speak of or ask about that of which you do not know. This is NOT a question. I needed to know. What I learned was that DECEIT is ALWAYS there ‘in the absolute beginning’ with these people. People who need people. You can ABSOLUTELY see it if you look for it. Choosing NOT to look WILL cost you dearly.


Where to begin has forever been a stumbling block for me. I was always starting. Starting over. Stuck in rudiment. Never finding completion. Feeling underdeveloped in every way. Until now. Now is different. My conscious in a most uninhibited manner has been directing and defining who I am and what I can accomplish in excitingly crucial ways! I’ve been giving myself this attention and have been listening quite carefully. I love what I’m learning about myself for the first time. I’ve had to make some tremendous adjustments in every aspect of the word. I am so looking forward to the happenings ahead. I am already all over the place! This is from me for me though you may observe … Nikki in a nutshell