A G A I N

JADED. This, I never recall having ever been called, until on this day. By, my son. He said I was Jaded no less than three times in a single conversation. What I can not do is control how I am viewed by another/others. What I can do is take an honest look inward to see if there is any bit of truth to his claim. Dictionary.com, if their credibility is respected, defines jaded as -adjective – 1.dulled or satiated by overindulgence 2.worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse 3.dissipated   -noun- 1.a worn-out, broken-down, worthless, or vicious horse 2.a disreputable or ill-tempered woman   What I will agree with is that I am a bit weary (I will NOT be apologizing for that/NOR offering ANYONE explanation regarding). Dictionary.com defines disreputable as 1.having a bad reputation 2.discreditable; dishonorable 3.shabby or shoddy (intentionally rude or inconsiderate); of poor quality or condition. Ill-tempered is defined as having a bad or irritable disposition. With all of this being said, he no doubt sees these very traits … though not mine.

Long Gone

By the time you stumble upon this correspondence, THE ONE you are looking for will be long gone. Remnants of her, as you may recollect, are not justifiable. No trace of her exists anywhere in space or time. Too little, too late best sum up any effort/your predicament in this regard. Consider ‘the mission’ impossible. You WILL die tryin’ …

Yet another kink in my life has presented itself only to be straightened right out! I woke up a couple of days ago with my mind fixed firmly on a particular mission. Unlike anything I’d ‘ever’ done before. Honorable mention to those birds outside my bedroom window that have so beautifully just begun to do their thing this early morning! So my journey began. I knew that there would possibly be 2 roadblocks perhaps as many as 3 that were about get dealt with in regard to this mission! They each rolled over and gave in to the process without a hint of resistance. Full steam ahead then! ‘I’ won’t be standing in my own way … names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Just In the Nick of Time

A few hours short of three days ago my youngest of four sons reached the twenty-first anniversary of his birth. Needless to say its been twenty-one years of nonstop E-VER-Y- THING as far as he has been concerned! He has singlehandedly made me the ballerina I’d always wanted to be by keeping me on my toes. My many deep breaths and long slow exhales and all that he brought in between in the long run gave me a certain type of strength I would need but never knew existed until today. Could he have known how much he was helping me? Naaah!  He wore me out but it was worth every bit of it. Even if I could I wouldn’t change a single thing … except maybe him being younger a little longer …

Sooooo …

Almost always I have plenty going on inside my head and pretty much nearby! For the most part, this has proved more distracting than productive. Been lots of places and have done some exciting things. But only in my mind. Starting in thought taking two three four five steps without ever seeing my own personal interests through.  I’ve single-handedly erased my life (sort of like ‘the picture’ in Back to the Future). However! I have managed to successfully discover quite accidentally just how the ‘best’ of my life will begin. That’s right, begin! With precise purpose! Sooooo …

You Have No Idea

People. They come and they go. In some way or another. Passing through or to settle in. Welcomed or NOT. Never have I ever been so puzzled by individuals who clearly want nothing to do with you unless it benefits them personally. Until snatched in my collar and quickly drug nose to nose with the one who would introduce this whole other world to me. I was not aware of its definite existence. Yet Id lived there my entire life. Therewith the people. Early on I knew I didn’t belong. The disheartening feedback was unmistakably constant throughout all my years. I’d lost faith in and did not feel secure with ‘grown people’ growing up. As to never forget it.  As far back as three years old. In many childhood photos, my eyes and or facial expressions remind me. Grown people taking sides. Grown people talking about other grown people to other grown people on the phone. Grown people spelling out words letter by letter in an attempt to talk over my head often enough for me to commit these letters to memory while never ‘spelling’ anything with more than four or five letters. So much for big words. Later I’d put two and two together. These are NOT the brightest ‘people’. They are known for sending mixed signals.  How can you speak of or ask about that of which you do not know. This is NOT a question. I needed to know. What I learned was that DECEIT is ALWAYS there ‘in the absolute beginning’ with these people. People who need people. You can ABSOLUTELY see it if you look for it. Choosing NOT to look WILL cost you dearly.