When you end it, so that you don’t have to go forward with it, that is the memo.
Almost always I have plenty going on inside my head and pretty much nearby! For the most part, this has proved more distracting than productive. Been lots of places and have done some exciting things. But only in my mind. Starting in thought taking two three four five steps without ever seeing my own personal interests through. I’ve single-handedly erased my life (sort of like ‘the picture’ in Back to the Future). However! I have managed to successfully discover quite accidentally just how the ‘best’ of my life will begin. That’s right, begin! With precise purpose! Sooooo …
People. They come and they go. In some way or another. Passing through or to settle in. Welcomed or NOT. Never have I ever been so puzzled by individuals who clearly want nothing to do with you unless it benefits them personally. Until snatched in my collar and quickly drug nose to nose with the one who would introduce this whole other world to me. I was not aware of its definite existence. Yet Id lived there my entire life. Therewith the people. Early on I knew I didn’t belong. The disheartening feedback was unmistakably constant throughout all my years. I’d lost faith in and did not feel secure with ‘grown people’ growing up. As to never forget it. As far back as three years old. In many childhood photos, my eyes and or facial expressions remind me. Grown people taking sides. Grown people talking about other grown people to other grown people on the phone. Grown people spelling out words letter by letter in an attempt to talk over my head often enough for me to commit these letters to memory while never ‘spelling’ anything with more than four or five letters. So much for big words. Later I’d put two and two together. These are NOT the brightest ‘people’. They are known for sending mixed signals. How can you speak of or ask about that of which you do not know. This is NOT a question. I needed to know. What I learned was that DECEIT is ALWAYS there ‘in the absolute beginning’ with these people. People who need people. You can ABSOLUTELY see it if you look for it. Choosing NOT to look WILL cost you dearly.
Where to begin has forever been a stumbling block for me. I was always starting. Starting over. Stuck in rudiment. Never finding completion. Feeling underdeveloped in every way. Until now. Now is different. My conscious in a most uninhibited manner has been directing and defining who I am and what I can accomplish in excitingly crucial ways! I’ve been giving myself this attention and have been listening quite carefully. I love what I’m learning about myself for the first time. I’ve had to make some tremendous adjustments in every aspect of the word. I am so looking forward to the happenings ahead. I am already all over the place! This is from me for me though you may observe … Nikki in a nutshell