Nikki In a Nutshell

a snake in the grass will never fail at being a snake in the grass … & YOU will always be beneath them … how low can/will you go?

FOUR SONS. FULL TERM. NO EPIDURAL ANESTHESIA. NO CESAREAN. WATERS BROKE NATURALLY. LABORED THROUGH DELIVERY. DADDY PRESENT AT BIRTH OF SON & SAW SON HOME WITH HIS LAST NAME. NOW, for the hard part …

Divine daughter. Completely joyful. Gratitude overflown. Tranquil peace. Valued friend.

Sure. Process. Mental. Confide. Act. Poet. Pose. Build. Plan. Develop. Reveal. Manifest. Esteem. Always.

What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy?

Let me make something(s) clear. In my lifetime I have done MUCH that I am NOT proud of. I am no ‘saint’ by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve crossed several lines. I’ve paid for & CONTINUE to pay for my misbehavior(s). I’ll be the first to admit that I remain a work in progress & have a long, LONG way to go. I am not above reproach. I’ve been places & done things I have no recollection of. You feel me. MUCH of my life has been ONE BIG BLUR. While I’ve heard some express with words what they think of me personally, others have demonstrated unmistakingly by their actions. Some good some bad & some ugly. say say say (oooh oooh oooh) …

This beautifully/sadly expresses my 2-3 year old (me) sentiments … I’m now 57 1/4. It, too, utters ‘closure’ to this lifetime of nothingness between us.

It’s my potential. I’m not askin’, none of you, nothin’. Some call it shadow work. Some live a lifetime & never come close to understanding why … idiots … are everywhere. They have an unspoken language when they should be communicating (with you). But when they are up to no good (which is much of the time) they do talk, to all that will listen, non stop. It is the ‘idiot’ that participates over and over again in this bad behavior, by listening to the one(s) threatened by another’s potential, for years & years & … need I say more. It began when I was born & it has not stopped, smh. Have you learned to read between the lines? At some point making the (absurd/stupid) decision to erase my existence (in their mind), business as usual, moving forward with my husband & my offspring. GO FIGURE. Where they do that at … again, I’m not askin’ none of you nothin’. Take a look around. When an individual believes that what’s yours is theirs … your life is in danger. When you are eye witness to this kind of behavior & it’s alright with you, you are an idiot. I’ve long ago, packed up my potential … & moved elsewhere. Don’t start nothin’ … won’t be nothin’. You WISH you were me. It’s because you lack substance.

The time has come. My most recent time spent in liminal space has brought many blessings. I’ve never been so broke down while experiencing so much needed growth. Painful & agonizing growth crucial to my future existence. To someone who doesn’t understand such a process I could appear to be a complete disaster. But this has nothing to do with you. I’m different. Don’t try me. You’ll get nothing out of it. This is it. The time has come.

The more things change the more they stay the same. I’m not the ‘me’ that I used to be YET I am more ‘me’ than I’ve ever been. This is good. Very good. I’ve been unfolding. Blooming! Before my own eyes. More sure of decisions I’ve been making along the way. My future now looks nothing like it had anywhere in the past. It’s sprinkled with brand new imagination & possibility. There have been growing pains but it has been well worth it. Change.